If you’re an intended mother, you can end up living in two realities at once: your life looks “not pregnant” on the outside, but internally you’re doing the tender, relentless work of becoming a parent. We think about the Intended Mother as gestating in mind—holding a baby in imagination, planning, attachment, and identity—while someone else is carrying the pregnancy.
This is a deeply real form of motherhood-in-the-making, yet it’s still often misunderstood—sometimes even within surrogacy communities that care a lot about ethics and respect. This article is written with one goal: to attempt to describe the psychological reality of intended motherhood, which is complex and demanding.
Surrogacy is inherently relational; when we support everyone’s humanity, the experience is safer and kinder for all involved.
What it can feel like to be an intended mother
Intended mothers often carry a “quiet load” that doesn’t show up in photos, bump updates, or hospital checklists:
- Invisible pregnancy: no bodily milestones, yet constant mental and emotional preoccupation.
- Uncertainty + lack of control: you’re deeply invested, but you’re not the one attending every appointment or feeling fetal movement.
- Identity whiplash: you may be a mother in intention and preparation, but treated as “not-yet” by others (and sometimes by systems).
- Grief alongside gratitude: the path into surrogacy often includes infertility, loss, medical trauma, and years of waiting—so joy can sit right next to sorrow.
Research on surrogacy experiences repeatedly shows that relationships and overall experiences are often positive, but challenges can still be significant—especially when legal, clinical, or social systems don’t fit with the reality of surrogacy.
“Psychological pregnancy”: how you can be pregnant in mind
In perinatal mental health, a well-established idea is that becoming a parent involves internal psychological work—forming representations of the baby, imagining needs, rehearsing caregiving, and making meaning of the new relationship. Arietta Slade describes this as building the capacity to “keep the baby in mind”—a reflective, relational stance that supports bonding and regulation.
And Daniel Stern’s motherhood constellation captures how motherhood reorganises mental life—new priorities, new fears, new tenderness, new responsibility.
Here’s the important translation for intended mothers:
You can do this “keeping baby in mind” work even if you are not the gestational carrier.
You are building a relationship—internally first—so it has somewhere to “land” when your baby arrives.
This is why many intended mothers feel psychologically pregnant: they’re not imagining a hypothetical baby; they’re building attachment, identity, and readiness with a specific hoped-for child.
Why intended mothers are often misunderstood in surrogacy spaces
The “nine-month head-start” myth
Many cultures locate the “real” maternal bond in pregnancy—assuming the pregnant person has a natural bonding advantage. Anthropological work shows how strongly people tie maternal bonding to the pregnant body, framing pregnancy as a “nine-month head-start.”
In surrogacy, that idea can create painful distortions:
- intended mothers may be treated as less legitimate or “secondary”
- intended mothers may feel pressure to stay quiet so they don’t look like they’re “claiming too much”
- everyone may become anxious about bonding—as if attachment is a scarce resource
But attachment is not a competition. It’s a relationship that grows through care, meaning, and presence over time.
Stigma and silence
Intended parents may experience stigma and the sense that they must manage other people’s judgments—sometimes feeling they need to hide aspects of their story or constantly explain it.
Systems that don’t recognise you (yet)
Even in Australia, surrogacy care can be shaped by institutional uncertainty. Qualitative research on Australian surrogacy births describes how intended parents (and surrogates) can experience recognition and misrecognition in clinical settings, with inconsistent inclusion and extra advocacy burdens.
Research on improving access to surrogacy in Australia similarly highlights needs like better public awareness and clearer healthcare policies.
The “you should just be grateful” bind
Many intended mothers feel they’re allowed only one emotion: gratitude. But gratitude and grief can coexist. When people pressure you into a single emotional script, it can increase shame and isolation—and reduce the support you need.
The complexity: you’re becoming a mother through relationship, not through pregnancy
One of the most psychologically demanding parts of intended motherhood is that your motherhood is real, but not publicly mirrored in the usual ways.
This is where intentional “mental gestation” helps. Reflective practices—thinking about the baby’s future experience, your caregiving values, your hopes and fears—support the transition into parenthood.
Also worth naming: evidence on families formed through surrogacy generally shows children are doing well and that family processes (warmth, communication, support) matter more than family form.
Five gentle ways to “keep baby in mind” as an intended mother
- Write to your baby (private letters)
A few lines a week: what you’re learning, what you’re hoping, what you want them to know. - Create a “bridge object”
A small blanket, soft toy, or book you’ll use from day one—something that marks continuity. - Practice relational imagination
Once a week: “If my baby could tell me something about their needs, what might it be?” (This draws on reflective-function ideas—curiosity about inner states.) - Plan your first 72 hours
Not just logistics—emotional supports, boundaries, who advocates for you, and how you’ll protect calm connection in a complex hospital context. - Rehearse your origin story
A simple, respectful narrative you’ll tell your child over time—grounded in love, intention, and appreciation for the surrogate relationship.
If you feel misunderstood: what helps (without burning bridges)
- Name your reality clearly: “I’m not physically pregnant, but I’m doing the psychological work of becoming a mum.”
- Seek support that’s surrogacy-competent: you shouldn’t have to educate your helpers in a crisis.
- Choose one or two safe spaces: not every community will be able to hold nuance.
- Stay relational: surrogacy works best when everyone is treated as a whole person, not a role.
FAQ
Can an intended mother bond with the baby before birth?
Yes. Bonding is built through meaning-making, preparation, and reflective connection—“keeping the baby in mind” is a recognised pathway into attachment.
Why do intended mothers feel “pregnant in mind”?
Because parenthood involves psychological reorganisation (identity, responsibility, imagined relationship), even without gestation.
Why does surrogacy feel emotionally complex even when it’s positive?
Because it’s relational and occurs inside systems that can misrecognise or inconsistently include people—especially around birth.
A note from Happy Minds Psychology (Geelong + Telehealth)
At Happy Minds Psychology, we support intended parents with the emotional and relational realities of surrogacy—including identity shifts, infertility grief, anxiety during pregnancy, birth planning, bonding, and navigating misunderstanding with steadiness and compassion.
References (APA 7)
Attawet, J., et al. (2025). Intrapartum experiences of gestational surrogates and intended parents in Australia: A qualitative study. Women and Birth. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.wombi.2025.102154
Dow, K. (2017). ‘A nine-month head-start’: The maternal bond and surrogacy.
Golombok, S., Readings, J., Blake, L., Casey, P., Mellish, L., Marks, A., & Jadva, V. (2011). Families created through surrogacy: Mother–child relationships and children’s psychological adjustment at age 7. Developmental Psychology, 47(6), 1579–1588. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0025292
Kneebone, E., Beilby, K., & Hammarberg, K. (2022). Experiences of surrogates and intended parents of surrogacy arrangements: A systematic review. Reproductive BioMedicine Online, 45(4), 815–830. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.rbmo.2022.06.006
Kneebone, E., Hammarberg, K., & colleagues. (2024). Surrogates’, intended parents’, and professionals’ perspectives on ways to improve access to surrogacy in Australia. International Journal of Law, Policy and the Family, 38(1). https://doi.org/10.1093/lawfam/ebae009
Shah, S., Ergler, C., & Hohmann-Marriott, B. (2022). The other side of the story: Intended parents’ surrogacy journeys, stigma and relational reproductive justice. Health & Place, 74, 102769. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.healthplace.2022.102769
Slade, A. (2002). Keeping the baby in mind: A critical factor in perinatal mental health. ZERO TO THREE.
Slade, A. (2005). Parental reflective functioning: An introduction. Attachment & Human Development, 7(3), 269–281. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616730500245906
Söderström-Anttila, V., Wennerholm, U.-B., Loft, A., Pinborg, A., Aittomäki, K., Romundstad, L. B., & Bergh, C. (2016). Surrogacy: Outcomes for surrogate mothers, children and the resulting families—A systematic review. Human Reproduction Update, 22(2), 260–276. https://doi.org/10.1093/humupd/dmv046
Stern, D. N. (1995). The motherhood constellation: A unified view of parent–infant psychotherapy. BasicBooks.
