Asking someone whether they are OK can feel simple—until they pause, look away and tell you that they are not.
Many people are willing to start a mental health conversation but feel far less certain about what should happen next. They may worry about saying the wrong thing, making the situation worse or discovering a problem they do not know how to solve.
R U OK? Day is held on Thursday, 10 September 2026. This year’s message, “Ask R U OK? Any Day,” is an important reminder that meaningful connection cannot be limited to one annual workplace morning tea, social media post or carefully branded event.
The question matters. What matters just as much is whether we are prepared to listen to the answer.
Why asking can make a difference
When someone is struggling, they may not know how to begin talking about it.
They may be worried about burdening other people, appearing incapable, being judged or creating problems at work. They may have tried to give subtle signals that have not been noticed. They may also have become so accustomed to functioning while distressed that they no longer recognise how much support they need.
The current R U OK? campaign reports that one-third of people underestimate the difference they can make by checking in with someone. At the same time, nine in ten people who were asked whether they were OK reported feeling grateful, cared about and supported. One in four people may still hesitate to ask, even when they suspect someone is struggling.
A thoughtful conversation does not need to resolve the person’s situation. It can communicate something deeply important:
I have noticed you. You do not have to pretend with me. You do not have to carry this entirely alone.
Look for changes, not a checklist
There is no single way that emotional distress looks.
Some people become visibly tearful or withdrawn. Others continue working, parenting and meeting responsibilities while feeling overwhelmed internally. A person may become unusually quiet, irritable, forgetful or disconnected. They might work longer hours, cancel plans, stop responding to messages or seem less interested in things that usually matter to them.
Changes worth noticing can include:
- withdrawing from friends, colleagues or usual activities;
- changes in sleep, appetite or personal care;
- difficulty concentrating or making decisions;
- appearing unusually tense, flat, angry or exhausted;
- increased alcohol or substance use;
- talking about feeling hopeless, trapped or burdensome;
- struggling to manage responsibilities they would usually handle; or
- behaving in ways that feel noticeably different from their usual presentation.
These signs do not automatically indicate a mental health condition. They are prompts to become curious and make contact rather than silently diagnosing the person. Lifeline recommends paying attention to changes in mood, routine, social connection, concentration, sleep and coping behaviours when deciding whether someone may need support.
You do not need proof that something is wrong before you check in.
Choose the moment carefully
The quality of the conversation can be affected by when and where it happens.
Try to choose a time when:
- neither of you needs to rush away;
- you can speak privately;
- the other person is not likely to feel exposed;
- you are calm enough to listen; and
- you have some capacity to stay if the answer is complicated.
For some people, sitting face-to-face can feel intense. A conversation may feel easier while walking, driving, having coffee or doing something practical together.
Avoid asking in front of colleagues, during an argument or as the person is entering a meeting. In a workplace, do not raise personal concerns in an open office or use a wellbeing event to pressure someone into public disclosure.
The goal is not to create a dramatic moment. It is to make honest conversation feel possible.
Ask about what you have noticed
A general “Are you OK?” can be meaningful, but it can also be easy to answer automatically.
Many people will say “I’m fine” before they have even considered whether that is true.
It can help to explain why you are asking:
“You haven’t seemed like yourself recently. How are things going?”
“I’ve noticed you’ve been much quieter than usual. I wanted to check in.”
“You seem to have a lot on your shoulders at the moment. How are you managing?”
“You’ve cancelled a few things lately, and I’ve been thinking about you. Are you doing OK?”
R U OK? recommends a relaxed, friendly approach that refers to specific changes you have noticed. Open questions such as “What’s been happening?” can make it easier for the person to say more than a yes-or-no response allows.
The wording does not have to be perfect. Genuine concern matters more than delivering a rehearsed script.
What to say when the answer is “No”
When someone says they are not OK, resist the urge to respond immediately with reassurance, advice or your own similar experience.
Begin by acknowledging what they have told you:
“I’m really glad you told me.”
“That sounds like a lot to be carrying.”
“I can understand why you’re feeling overwhelmed.”
“You don’t have to explain everything at once.”
“I’m here, and I’m listening.”
Then invite them to say more:
“What has been the hardest part?”
“How long have you been feeling like this?”
“What do you need most at the moment?”
“Would it help to talk, or would you prefer that I just sit with you for a while?”
“Is there something practical I can help with today?”
You do not need to interrogate the person or collect their complete history. Your role is to help them feel heard and consider what support may be needed next.
Listen without trying to fix everything
Listening is not passive. It requires you to tolerate another person’s distress without rushing to make it disappear.
This can be difficult, particularly when you care about them. You may want to offer solutions because you feel helpless, anxious or responsible.
Try to:
- let the person finish speaking;
- allow pauses and silence;
- reflect back what you have understood;
- acknowledge the difficulty of their experience;
- ask what kind of support would be helpful;
- take their concerns seriously; and
- remain curious rather than judgmental.
R U OK? describes listening with an open mind as taking the person seriously, avoiding interruption, allowing time to think and checking that you have understood what they meant.
Listening does not require you to agree with every interpretation or decision. It means trying to understand the person’s experience before moving into problem-solving.
Responses that often shut the conversation down
People usually make minimising comments because they are trying to provide hope. Unfortunately, these responses can make someone feel misunderstood:
- “Everyone feels like that sometimes.”
- “At least it’s not worse.”
- “You just need to think positively.”
- “You have so much to be grateful for.”
- “Try not to worry about it.”
- “You’re strong—you’ll be fine.”
- “Other people have it harder.”
- “You need to get out more.”
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
Be cautious about quickly turning the conversation towards your own story. A brief reference to a similar experience may sometimes help the person feel less alone, but only when it serves them rather than shifting attention away from what they were trying to say.
Advice can also wait. Before offering suggestions, ask:
“Would you like me to help you think through some options, or do you mainly need me to listen?”
That small question restores some choice at a time when the person may feel they have very little control.
Encourage action without taking over
A supportive conversation may lead to practical next steps.
You could ask:
- “Who else knows that things have been this difficult?”
- “Have you spoken with your GP?”
- “Is there a psychologist or counsellor you have seen before?”
- “What has helped during difficult periods in the past?”
- “Would it help if I sat with you while you made an appointment?”
- “Would you like me to help you find an appropriate service?”
- “What would make today feel slightly more manageable?”
Support should be collaborative. Avoid issuing instructions, making appointments without consent or insisting that the person follow the path you would choose.
At the same time, do not promise to keep information secret when you believe someone may be in immediate danger. Safety takes priority over confidentiality between friends, relatives or colleagues.
What if they do not want to talk?
A person may deny that anything is wrong, change the subject or tell you they do not want to discuss it.
This does not mean asking was a mistake.
They may feel surprised, embarrassed or unsure whether it is safe to open up. They may need time to understand what they are experiencing. They may prefer to speak with someone else.
You can respond without pressure:
“That’s OK. You don’t have to talk now.”
“I may be wrong, but I wanted you to know I’ve noticed and I care.”
“I’m here if you decide you want to talk later.”
“Would there be someone else you would feel more comfortable speaking with?”
R U OK? advises avoiding confrontation or criticism when someone does not want to talk. Letting them know that support remains available can make it easier for them to return to the conversation later.
Ask directly about suicide when you are concerned
If a person appears hopeless, talks about being a burden, says that others would be better off without them or gives you another reason to believe they may be suicidal, ask directly:
“Are you thinking about suicide?”
“Have you been thinking about ending your life?”
Using the word suicide does not introduce the idea or make someone more likely to act. A direct question allows the person to answer clearly and signals that you are prepared to hear the truth. Lifeline specifically recommends asking directly when you believe someone may be suicidal.
When someone says they are suicidal:
- stay calm and listen;
- do not leave them alone when there is immediate risk;
- involve an appropriate crisis or health service;
- seek urgent help when they have a plan, access to a means, immediate intent or cannot remain safe; and
- call Triple Zero if life is in danger.
Do not try to manage an acute suicide risk by yourself.
For crisis support in Australia, contact Lifeline by phone on 13 11 14, text 0477 13 11 14, or use Lifeline crisis chat. If someone is in immediate danger, call 000.
The importance of checking in again
One of the most valuable parts of a supportive conversation happens afterwards.
A person may disclose something deeply personal and then wonder whether they said too much. They may feel exposed or ashamed. They may also receive several supportive messages immediately after a crisis, only to find that contact gradually disappears while the underlying problem remains.
Follow up:
“I’ve been thinking about our conversation. How have things been since then?”
“Were you able to speak with your GP?”
“How are you feeling about what we discussed?”
“Would it help to catch up again this week?”
“You don’t need to give me a full update. I just wanted you to know I haven’t forgotten.”
Checking in communicates that your concern was genuine rather than ceremonial. The four-step R U OK? conversation model includes following up and staying in contact, particularly when the person is continuing to struggle.
R U OK? conversations in the workplace
Workplaces can play an important role in reducing isolation and making help-seeking easier. However, mental health initiatives need to be supported by psychologically safe systems.
A morning tea does not compensate for:
- excessive workloads;
- bullying or harassment;
- unsafe work;
- poor clinical or organisational governance;
- chronic understaffing;
- unreasonable availability expectations;
- punitive responses to disclosure; or
- managers who are not equipped to respond to distress.
Employers should not invite vulnerability unless they are prepared to respond appropriately.
A meaningful workplace approach includes:
- training managers to recognise and respond to distress;
- explaining confidentiality and its limits;
- providing clear pathways to professional support;
- responding appropriately to psychosocial hazards;
- allowing private rather than public conversations;
- making reasonable adjustments where appropriate;
- avoiding pressure to disclose personal information; and
- following up after a concern is raised.
Managers are not expected to become psychologists. Their role is to notice, listen, respond respectfully, address workplace factors within their control and help the person access appropriate support.
Employees should also be able to say, “I would rather not discuss this at work,” without being treated as uncooperative.
Looking after yourself when supporting someone
Being trusted with another person’s distress can affect you.
You may feel worried, responsible or uncertain about whether you did enough. You may repeatedly replay the conversation. Supporting someone can also activate your own experiences of grief, trauma or mental health difficulty.
Healthy support requires boundaries.
You can care deeply without becoming the person’s only source of help. Encourage a broader support network, consult an appropriate professional when risk is involved and seek support for yourself when needed.
Avoid promising that you will always be available. A more sustainable response is:
“I care about you, and I want to help you connect with the support you need.”
This is not abandonment. It is an honest recognition that some situations require more support than one friend, colleague or family member can provide.
A conversation is a beginning
R U OK? Day offers a valuable prompt to notice the people around us. Its deeper value lies in what happens on ordinary days: after someone has received difficult news, returned to work following a loss, withdrawn from usual contact, appeared unusually overwhelmed or simply has not seemed like themselves.
You do not need the perfect words.
Ask with genuine care. Listen without judgment. Help the person identify an achievable next step. Take safety concerns seriously. Then remember to come back.
Sometimes the most powerful message is not simply Are you OK?
It is:
I noticed. I listened. I am still here.
Psychological support at Happy Minds Psychology
Happy Minds Psychology provides evidence-based psychological support for adults, adolescents, parents, couples, first responders and people navigating trauma, grief, reproductive challenges and significant life transitions.
Appointments are available at our Drysdale clinic near Geelong, with telehealth psychology appointments available across Australia.
Our psychologists provide a confidential space to understand what has been happening, develop practical strategies and work towards meaningful, sustainable change.
To enquire about an appointment, contact Happy Minds Psychology.
Frequently asked questions
What should I do if someone says they are not OK?
Listen without interrupting, acknowledge what they have told you and ask what kind of support would help. Encourage appropriate professional support when the distress is persistent, significant or affecting their safety and functioning.
What if I am worried but not certain something is wrong?
You can still check in. Mention the change you have noticed and ask an open question. You do not need to diagnose the person or be certain that they have a mental health condition.
Can asking about suicide put the idea into someone’s head?
No. When you are concerned about suicide, it is appropriate to ask directly and clearly. A direct question gives the person an opportunity to tell you what is happening and allows support to be arranged.
What if the person refuses professional help?
Listen to their concerns about seeking help and explore options without judgment. Continue to check in where appropriate. When you believe they are in immediate danger, seek urgent assistance even if they do not want you to.
Am I responsible for keeping someone safe?
You can offer important support, but you should not carry sole responsibility for another person’s mental health. Involve professional or emergency services when risk is significant and encourage the person to develop a broader support network.
