By Sarah-Jayne Duryea, Principal Psychologist – Happy Minds Psychology, Geelong
Introduction
For many intended parents, the journey to parenthood through surrogacy in Australia is filled with gratitude, anticipation, and deep emotion. It’s also a journey made possible by one remarkable person — the surrogate.
Your surrogate isn’t just carrying your baby; she’s undertaking a physically and emotionally demanding process to help you build your family. Recognising and respecting her bodily autonomy, mental health, and emotional wellbeing is not just ethical — it’s essential.
At Happy Minds Psychology, our Geelong psychologists support surrogacy teams across Australia and internationally. One of the most important messages we share with intended parents is this:
Your surrogate’s body, emotions, and choices remain her own — always.
This guide explores how intended parents can support their surrogate with empathy, respect, and effective communication at every stage of the surrogacy journey — and how maintaining this respect helps create ethical, healthy, and positive long-term relationships.
Build Trust Through Shared Values and Clear Communication
Every surrogacy relationship thrives on open communication. Early conversations should go beyond contracts or medical logistics — they should explore shared values, comfort levels, and expectations.
Discuss:
- How your surrogate prefers to communicate (texts, calls, or video chats).
- What boundaries she prefers around privacy, updates, and social media.
- How often she’d like to connect during the pregnancy.
- What kind of support she welcomes — and what feels intrusive.
The aim is to create psychological safety and mutual trust. The golden rule? Ask, don’t assume.
Research from the Centre for Family Research at Cambridge University found that surrogacy relationships built on clear communication and respect lead to stronger, more positive long-term outcomes for surrogates and intended parents (Imrie & Jadva, 2014).
Recognise and Challenge Entitlement
Surrogacy is an act of extraordinary generosity, not a transaction. When gratitude turns into expectation, entitlement can quietly appear — and that can damage even the most well-intentioned partnerships.
Entitlement may sound like:
- Expecting to attend every appointment or make every decision.
- Feeling frustrated when your surrogate sets boundaries.
- Saying “our pregnancy” or “our body” instead of recognising her experience.
This shift can create emotional distance and erode trust. As sociologist Elly Teman (2010) notes, surrogacy requires constant balance “between gratitude and control.” Entitlement tips that balance toward harm.
The antidote is simple: humility, gratitude, and curiosity. Surrogacy isn’t something done for you — it’s something done with you.
Honour Bodily Autonomy — Always
Your surrogate’s body remains entirely her own. Ethical surrogacy practice, endorsed by the Australian Psychological Society (APS, 2020), is built on respect for her autonomy and informed consent.
In practice, this means:
- She chooses her healthcare providers (within legal and contractual limits).
- She decides how to manage her health, rest, and physical activity.
- She provides informed consent for all medical procedures and scans.
- She determines the birth plan that feels right for her.
Supporting her means trusting her judgment — even when it differs from yours.
Offer Emotional Support Without Pressure
Pregnancy involves immense hormonal and emotional change. For a surrogate, this is compounded by the unique emotional weight of carrying a baby for someone else.
As intended parents, your role is to be emotionally available, consistent, and respectful — not to manage her feelings.
Ways to show genuine support:
- Ask, “How are you feeling?” — not just “How’s the baby?”
- Acknowledge milestones with gratitude and empathy.
- Encourage her to access independent counselling whenever needed.
Surrogates with access to emotional validation and independent psychological care experience lower stress and stronger wellbeing (van den Akker, 2017).
Support Her Medical Journey — On Her Terms
Attending scans and appointments can be meaningful, but consent matters. Always ask first:
“Would you like me to come along, or would you prefer some space with your care team today?”
If she invites you, express gratitude. If she prefers privacy, thank her for communicating her boundaries.
When discussing the birth plan, focus on her comfort and autonomy:
- How does she envision her birth experience?
- Who does she want present?
- What does she need for recovery and emotional support afterward?
Even if your surrogate carries your baby, the birth remains her medical experience.
Surrogates who feel empowered in their choices report better emotional outcomes and lower postnatal distress (Jadva et al., 2021).
Show Gratitude Consistently
Gratitude should be a constant thread, not a final gesture.
Meaningful ways to express gratitude:
- Write a personal letter of appreciation.
- Acknowledge her effort during milestones.
- Offer simple, thoughtful gestures rather than extravagant gifts.
As research shows, empathy-based gratitude strengthens surrogate–intended parent relationships beyond the pregnancy itself (Imrie & Jadva, 2014).
Respect Her Privacy and Story
Always obtain consent before sharing updates or photos online. Your surrogate’s experience is her private medical story.
If you wouldn’t share a friend’s health details without permission, the same rule applies here. Protecting her privacy preserves dignity, trust, and emotional safety.
Preparing for Birth and Beyond
As the due date approaches, revisit expectations together.
Ask her:
- What kind of support would help most during recovery?
- Would she like space or updates after birth?
- How can closure or celebration feel meaningful for her?
Continue checking in gently after birth — emotional recovery doesn’t end when the baby is born. Surrogates who feel acknowledged and supported after delivery show greater long-term wellbeing (Jadva et al., 2021).
The Ethics of Surrogate Support
Respecting a surrogate’s autonomy isn’t just ethical — it’s foundational.
Ethical surrogacy is grounded in three principles:
- Autonomy – Her body, her choices.
- Beneficence – Promoting her wellbeing.
- Non-maleficence – Avoiding pressure, guilt, or harm.
When intended parents approach surrogacy with humility, empathy, and respect, they create partnerships defined by trust rather than control — and by gratitude rather than entitlement.
In Summary
Surrogacy is a collaboration built on respect, communication, and shared humanity.
For intended parents, supporting your surrogate means:
- Asking rather than assuming.
- Respecting her bodily autonomy.
- Offering emotional support without pressure.
- Showing consistent gratitude.
- Protecting her privacy.
- Remaining compassionate before, during, and after birth.
When approached ethically, surrogacy celebrates both the miracle of parenthood and the dignity of the woman who makes it possible.
Need Guidance?
At Happy Minds Psychology, we provide professional counselling for intended parents, surrogates, and surrogacy teams across Australia.
Our Geelong psychologists specialise in:
- Independent surrogacy counselling
- Ethical preparation and relationship building
- Emotional wellbeing and trauma support
- Post-birth adjustment for all participants
We offer sessions in-person across Geelong and the Bellarine Peninsula, and via Telehealth Australia-wide.
📍 Geelong | Drysdale | Telehealth Australia-wide
📞 (03) 5292 8833
✉️ appointments@happyminds.net.au
🌐 www.happyminds.net.au
References
Australian Psychological Society. (2020). Code of Ethics and Ethical Guidelines for Psychologists in Reproductive Health and Assisted Reproduction. APS.
Imrie, S., & Jadva, V. (2014). The long-term experiences of surrogates: Relationships and contact with surrogacy families in genetic and gestational surrogacy arrangements. Reproductive BioMedicine Online, 29(4), 424–435.
Jadva, V., Imrie, S., & Golombok, S. (2021). Surrogacy families 10 years on: Relationships with the surrogate, decisions over disclosure, and children’s understanding of their surrogacy origins. Human Reproduction, 36(7), 2036–2044.
Söderström-Anttila, V., Wennerholm, U. B., Loft, A., Pinborg, A., Aittomäki, K., & Romundstad, L. B. (2018). Surrogacy: Outcomes for surrogate mothers, children, and the resulting families — a systematic review. Human Reproduction Update, 22(2), 260–276.
Teman, E. (2010). Birthing a Mother: The Surrogate Body and the Pregnant Self. University of California Press.
van den Akker, O. B. A. (2017). Psychosocial aspects of surrogate motherhood. Human Reproduction Update, 23(5), 595–602.
Golombok, S. (2020). Modern Families: Parents and Children in New Family Forms. Cambridge University Press.
