Welcoming a baby into the world is one of life’s most profound experiences. For intended parents who have built their family through surrogacy, this moment can be filled with immense joy—alongside complex emotions, uncertainty, and adjustment. While surrogacy provides a beautiful pathway to parenthood, the early days and weeks after birth hold unique importance for one critical reason: attachment.
Attachment is not simply a concept in psychology—it is the foundation of emotional security, resilience, and wellbeing across the lifespan. For intended parents, intentionally fostering early attachment helps your baby feel safe, loved, and connected to you from the very beginning.
What Is Attachment?
British psychiatrist John Bowlby, widely regarded as the father of attachment theory, described attachment as a biological and psychological need for proximity to a caregiver who provides safety and comfort (Bowlby, 1969, 1988). He proposed that children are born with innate attachment behaviours—crying, smiling, clinging—that serve to maintain closeness to a protective figure. This bond becomes the “secure base” from which the child later explores the world.
Bowlby’s pioneering research highlighted that early, consistent caregiving is essential for healthy emotional development. Disruptions to this bond—such as separations or inconsistent care—can lead to anxiety, insecurity, or difficulties trusting others later in life (Bowlby, 1973). Conversely, when caregivers respond with sensitivity and attunement, infants learn that the world is safe, their needs will be met, and relationships are trustworthy.
Bowlby’s colleague Mary Ainsworth later developed the Strange Situation paradigm, identifying different patterns of attachment—secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganised—based on caregiver responsiveness (Ainsworth et al., 1978). The secure pattern, characterised by trust and comfort with closeness, is associated with the most positive developmental outcomes across childhood and adulthood.
These insights remain foundational in child development today. Research in developmental neuroscience confirms that consistent, nurturing relationships in infancy literally shape the architecture of the developing brain (Schore, 2001). Babies come “prewired” for attachment to their caregiver: and so intended parents being able to form a secure attachment with their baby is crucial.
Attachment in the Context of Surrogacy
In surrogacy, the baby develops a biological and sensory connection with the surrogate during pregnancy. The baby becomes attuned to her heartbeat, voice, and movement. For intended parents, this can raise a challenging question after birth: Will our baby bond with us?
The answer is a resounding yes. While the surrogate has provided the prenatal environment, the baby’s attachment system is flexible and designed to bond with whoever consistently meets their needs after birth (Benoit, 2004).
Studies show that early, responsive caregiving—feeding, soothing, eye contact, and skin-to-skin contact—allows intended parents to become the baby’s secure base within days and weeks (Moore et al., 2016; Imrie & Jadva, 2014). The key is continuity of care: ensuring that the handover from surrogate to parents is gentle, planned, and emotionally supported for all parties.
From Bowlby’s perspective, attachment formation is not dependent only on biology but on availability and responsiveness. Whether through birth, adoption, or surrogacy, what matters is that the caregiver is emotionally present, consistent, and sensitive to the baby’s signals. This is why any parent, whether via surrogacy or not, is working to be the best version of themselves to be able to provide a secure base and safe haven for our child. Understanding more about the psychological journey of pregnancy can help intended parents create a secure attachment when meeting their baby for the first time.
The Psychological Journey of Pregnancy in Surrogacy
Pregnancy is far more than a biological event—it’s a profound psychological journey that reshapes identity, emotions, and relationships. Bowlby described pregnancy as part of the attachment system’s early activation, a time when a caregiver’s brain and body begin preparing to bond, protect, and respond to a newborn’s needs. For birthing persons, these shifts unfold gradually across three intertwined domains: physiological, emotional, and relational.
1. Physiological Preparation
Hormonal changes during pregnancy, especially increases in oxytocin, prolactin, and estrogen, heighten empathy, sensitivity, and protective instincts (Kim et al., 2010). These changes prime the parent to respond to an infant’s cries and cues immediately after birth. The brain’s limbic system becomes more active, fostering emotional attunement, while areas linked to vigilance and caregiving strengthen (Swain et al., 2014).
For surrogates, this biological preparation supports nurturing the baby safely through pregnancy and birth. For intended parents, these same biological responses often begin after birth, triggered through skin-to-skin contact, feeding, and close caregiving. Understanding this helps intended parents replace any sense of “missed connection” with confidence that bonding is built through ongoing, responsive interaction—not gestation alone.
2. Emotional and Identity Transformation
Psychologically, pregnancy involves a re-organisation of identity—a gradual transition into the caregiving role that psychoanalyst Daniel Stern (1995) called the “maternal constellation.” Expectant mothers often experience anticipatory attachment: imagining the baby, wondering about their personality, and picturing their shared life. This mental rehearsal fosters emotional readiness and connection, and is often referred to as “gestating the baby in the mind”.
For intended parents, this process can look and feel different, but it is no less powerful. Many intended parents have spent years imagining what their future child might be like—through infertility treatments, donor selection, surrogacy counselling, or waiting for legal clearances. Their “gestating the baby in the mind” often begins long before conception. This sustained imagining, hoping, and planning can create a deep emotional investment in their child well before birth.
However, because this attachment has been primarily cognitive rather than physical or hormonal, the moment of meeting can bring an overwhelming rush of emotion—joy, disbelief, relief, and sometimes fear. It represents the convergence of years of anticipation into one profound transition. Counselling can help intended parents integrate these emotions and step fully into their parental identity.
3. Relational Connection and the Surrogacy Context
Pregnancy is also a relational experience. Surrogates and intended parents often form a unique triadic bond: surrogate–baby–intended parent. This relationship, when handled with openness and respect, can model the empathy and cooperation that underpins secure attachment (Imrie & Jadva, 2014).
Research shows that open communication, shared rituals (such as attending scans or writing letters to the baby), and collaborative birth planning strengthen emotional continuity between all parties (Jadva et al., 2021). These practices ensure that when the baby is born, the transition from surrogate to intended parents feels emotionally seamless, not abrupt.
4. Grief, Adjustment, and the Post-Birth Shift
After birth, both surrogate and intended parents experience a significant psychological adjustment. The surrogate’s role transitions from active caregiver to supportive witness, often accompanied by mixed feelings of pride, loss, and relief. Intended parents, meanwhile, rapidly assume full caregiving responsibility, sometimes without the gradual psychological “ramp-up” that pregnancy provides.
Recognising this shift as a developmental task—one that requires time, compassion, and support—helps normalise the emotions that accompany surrogacy. As Bowlby (1988) noted, secure attachment develops not from perfection, but from “a consistent willingness to repair, reconnect, and respond.”
While the surrogate’s body has carried and nurtured the baby through pregnancy, the intended parents have often carried their baby in mind and heart for many months—or even years. This process, described by Bowlby (1969, 1988) as “holding the child in mind,” reflects the beginnings of attachment long before birth. Intended parents often experience a kind of psychological pregnancy—a gradual emotional investment in their future child formed through imagination, anticipation, and hope (Stern, 1995). Over time, this sustained mental and emotional preparation can create powerful internal representations of their baby, fostering early attachment even in the absence of gestation. When birth finally occurs, it represents the meeting of two profound journeys: the surrogate’s embodied care and the intended parents’ enduring emotional preparation. This moment becomes the bridge between imagined parenthood and lived connection—the beginning of what psychologists describe as the process of “claiming”—where love, intention, and caregiving merge to lay the foundation for secure attachment (Benoit, 2004; Schore, 2001).
The Science of “Claiming” Your Baby
Psychologists often refer to the emotional process of embracing your baby after birth as claiming—the act of stepping into full psychological and emotional parenthood. This psychological process (“ah – that’s my baby!”) follows the long task of calling the baby to mind which occurs throughout the pregnancy.
This process is supported by the hormone oxytocin, sometimes called the “bonding hormone.” Studies show that oxytocin levels rise in both parents and babies during skin-to-skin contact, eye gazing, and responsive touch (Feldman et al., 2010). These early interactions regulate your baby’s heart rate, temperature, and stress responses while promoting a sense of calm and attachment (Nagai et al., 2010).
Practical Ways to Build Secure Attachment After Surrogacy
- Be Present From the Beginning
Attend prenatal appointments, ultrasound scans, and meetings with your surrogate. Research shows that intended parents who participate in the pregnancy process often find it easier to connect emotionally after birth (Saxbe et al., 2018). - Create a Gentle Transition at Birth
Collaborate with your surrogate and medical team to plan early contact. If possible, hold your baby soon after birth and participate in the first feed. Early skin-to-skin contact promotes bonding and emotional regulation (Moore et al., 2016). - Prioritise Skin-to-Skin Time
Holding your baby against your bare chest stabilises their heart rate and body temperature while triggering oxytocin in both of you. These experiences directly activate the attachment system (Nagai et al., 2010). - Use Voice and Eye Contact
Babies are born with a preference for human faces and familiar voices. Gentle talking, singing, and eye contact help your baby learn your voice, tone, and expressions (Trevarthen, 1998). - Feed Responsively
Whether using induced lactation, donor milk, or formula, treat feeding as a bonding opportunity. Hold your baby close, respond to their cues, and use slow, attuned feeding interactions (Kent et al., 2013). - Consistency Builds Trust
Your baby learns who their secure base is through predictability. Take the lead in soothing, feeding, and daily care to reinforce your presence (Cassidy & Shaver, 2016). - Support Emotional Adjustment for All Parties
Allow time for the surrogate’s goodbye and for your emotional claiming. A respectful handover benefits the surrogate’s wellbeing and the baby’s sense of continuity (Imrie & Jadva, 2014). This can be challenging, as intended parents have a lot to hold at this stage, including their own sense of becoming a new parent. This is when ongoing support with surrogacy experienced psychologists is a really good idea.
The Emotional Side of Claiming
For intended parents, the claiming process can be both deeply moving and emotionally complex. Feelings of joy may coexist with vulnerability, exhaustion, or even guilt about “replacing” the surrogate’s presence.
These emotions are entirely normal. Bowlby emphasised that attachment formation involves reciprocity—a gradual learning of one another’s rhythms, cues, and trust signals. This takes time.
If bonding feels slow or uncertain, reach out for postnatal psychological support. Counselling can help you process these transitions, reduce anxiety, and support confident caregiving (Söderström-Anttila et al., 2016).
How Happy Minds Psychology Supports Surrogacy Families
At Happy Minds Psychology, we are passionate about supporting surrogacy teams from first conversations to life after birth.
As Founder and Principal Psychologist, I bring both clinical expertise and lived experience as a surrogacy-informed counsellor. I provide:
- Independent Implications Counselling for surrogates and intended parents (ANZICA-accredited, compliant with Australian state legislation).
- Pre-birth and post-birth planning sessions to support smooth transitions and emotionally safe handovers.
- Attachment-informed postnatal counselling to help intended parents build secure bonds with their newborns.
- Reflective support for surrogates, exploring emotional recovery and closure.
- Ongoing parenting and identity support for families formed through surrogacy or donor conception.
Our approach is trauma-informed, compassionate, and grounded in Bowlby’s and Ainsworth’s attachment frameworks—recognising that secure relationships are built through presence, attunement, and love, not biology alone.
To learn more, visit www.happyminds.net.au or contact (03) 5292 8833.
Final Thoughts
Becoming a parent through surrogacy is an extraordinary act of courage and love. As Bowlby (1988) wrote, “What cannot be communicated to the mother cannot be communicated to the self.” Your responsiveness and sensitivity communicate safety and love to your baby—and, in turn, allow them to see themselves as worthy and secure.
Every cuddle, every feed, every gaze is a moment of connection that shapes your child’s sense of belonging. Through consistent, loving care, you become not only their parent but their secure base for life.
References
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About the Author
Sarah-Jayne Duryea is the Founder and Principal Psychologist of Happy Minds Psychology in Geelong, Victoria. With over 25 years of experience, she specialises in perinatal and reproductive psychology, working extensively with surrogacy teams, intended parents, and donor-conceived families across Australia. As an ANZICA-accredited surrogacy counsellor and Board-Approved Supervisor, Sarah-Jayne is passionate about helping families navigate the emotional complexities of assisted reproduction, providing independent implications counselling, post-birth adjustment support, and attachment-informed therapy. She combines clinical expertise with personal insight to create a safe, compassionate space for clients to explore connection, identity, and belonging throughout the surrogacy journey.
