The weeks and months following a surrogacy birth are often described as bittersweet. There is joy, gratitude, and relief — but also hormonal shifts, fatigue, and emotional recalibration.
For surrogates, this can be a moment of pride mixed with unexpected emptiness. For intended parents, the elation of holding their long-awaited child can coexist with quiet guilt or grief as the relationship with their surrogate begins to change.
No matter how well everyone has prepared, the post-birth transition marks a major emotional and identity shift. Healing after surrogacy is not just physical recovery — it’s about reclaiming autonomy, boundaries, and emotional balance for all involved.
Why Post-Birth Adjustment Is So Complex
Surrogacy intertwines biology, psychology, and ethics in a unique way. The surrogate’s body has carried a baby she does not parent, while the intended parents step into caregiving overnight — often navigating gratitude, vulnerability, and uncertainty about how to stay connected.
Common Post-Birth Dynamics
- Hormonal changes and physical recovery for the surrogate.
- Attachment formation for intended parents, sometimes complicated by guilt or protectiveness.
- Role transition — the surrogate’s active role ends as the parents’ begins.
- Identity renegotiation for everyone: “Who am I now that this journey is over?”
When these changes aren’t openly acknowledged or supported, emotional fatigue, sadness, or even trauma-bond dynamics (see our article Trauma Bonding in Surrogacy) may emerge.
Understanding the Emotional Landscape
For Surrogates
- Post-partum hormone fluctuations can trigger mood swings, tearfulness, or unexpected sadness — even after a positive experience.
- “Purpose depletion” may occur once pregnancy ends; the structure and focus disappear overnight.
- Feelings of separation, even anticipated ones, can stir grief or longing.
For Intended Parents
- Some feel responsible for their surrogate’s emotional wellbeing, unsure how to step back without seeming ungrateful.
- Others experience guilt or discomfort with the physical toll borne by another person.
- Emotional dissonance — joy and sadness coexisting — is common and completely normal.
Reclaiming Identity After the Journey
1. Allow the Emotional Hangover
Post-surrogacy adjustment can feel like emotional jet lag — the body and mind trying to catch up after months of intensity.
Rather than rushing to closure, allow space for reflection. Sadness or emotional emptiness doesn’t mean regret; it often signals that the body and mind are integrating a significant experience. Healing begins when we stop judging our emotional responses and start listening to them.
2. Redefine Roles, Don’t Erase Them
The relationship between surrogate and intended parents doesn’t have to end — but it does need to evolve.
For surrogates:
- You’ve fulfilled a role of profound value.
- It’s healthy to focus now on your own recovery, family, and goals.
For intended parents:
- Express appreciation, but don’t expect continued emotional caretaking.
- Let your surrogate guide how much post-birth contact she wants.
Boundaries create emotional safety — they preserve connection through respect rather than obligation.
3. Debrief, Debrief, Debrief
Post-birth counselling is essential, not optional. Each participant benefits from independent debriefing to process both joy and grief.
A structured debrief helps:
- Reflect on the journey honestly.
- Address guilt, sadness, or unmet expectations.
- Plan future communication and closure.
Research shows that debriefing improves long-term wellbeing for both surrogates and intended parents (Imrie & Jadva, 2014; Jadva et al., 2021).
4. Re-connect With Your Own Body
For surrogates, pregnancy changes can alter body image and self-connection. Healing involves reclaiming the body as your own again: gentle movement, self-care, nutrition, rest, and compassion.
Remember: the body has done something extraordinary. It deserves care without expectation or performance.
5. Build Meaning Beyond the Role
After surrogacy, there can be a sense of loss of purpose — the structure, community, and focus of the journey ends.
Creating new meaning might involve:
- Volunteering with surrogacy support groups.
- Sharing your story in safe, empowering contexts.
- Focusing on family life, career, or personal growth.
- Re-establishing identity separate from the surrogacy role.
As Golombok (2020) notes, meaning reconstruction is a crucial part of emotional resilience after major life transitions.
6. For Intended Parents: Gratitude Without Guilt
Many parents struggle to celebrate fully while their surrogate recovers. True gratitude involves empathy — not guilt.
- Express appreciation through honest, heartfelt communication.
- Acknowledge complexity rather than denying it.
- Seek counselling if guilt persists; unresolved guilt can create emotional distance later.
Remember: most surrogates don’t want you to carry their pain — they want to see their generosity honoured through your joy.
7. If Trauma Bonding Has Occurred
If the relationship feels fused, strained, or confusing after birth, this may reflect emotional over-involvement during pregnancy. Healing requires:
- Re-establishing individual emotional identities.
- Creating space and healthy separation.
- Reframing the connection as shared experience, not dependency.
Handled gently, even a trauma bond can be transformed into mutual respect and closure.
The Role of Ongoing Professional Support
Surrogacy is not a single event; it’s a psychological continuum. Trauma-informed surrogacy counselling helps each person transition with dignity.
Best practice includes:
- Individual post-birth sessions for all participants (not joint sessions).
- Psychoeducation about hormonal, grief, and identity changes.
- Boundary mapping and relationship planning.
Post-surrogacy counselling is an act of emotional hygiene — it keeps relationships clear, compassionate, and sustainable.
Final Reflection
Surrogacy begins with generosity, but it should end with emotional restoration.
Healing after surrogacy means acknowledging that everyone’s story now diverges: the surrogate steps back into her own life; the intended parents begin theirs with their child. Each carries pride, gratitude, and personal growth.
When navigated with honesty, empathy, and boundaries, this transition becomes not an ending — but a profound transformation.
The measure of a successful surrogacy isn’t just a healthy baby — it’s that everyone walks away emotionally intact and feeling respected.
Professional Support in Geelong
At Happy Minds Psychology, we specialise in surrogacy counselling, reproductive trauma, and post-birth adjustment for surrogates and intended parents across Geelong, the Bellarine Peninsula, and via Telehealth Australia-wide.
Our psychologists help clients:
- Reclaim identity and emotional balance after surrogacy.
- Process hormonal, relational, and psychological changes.
- Establish healthy boundaries post-birth.
- Heal through EMDR, trauma-informed, and positive psychology approaches.
📍 Geelong | Drysdale | Telehealth Australia-wide
📞 (03) 5292 8833
✉️ appointments@happyminds.net.au
🌐 www.happyminds.net.au
References
Golombok, S. (2020). Modern Families: Parents and Children in New Family Forms. Cambridge University Press.
Imrie, S., & Jadva, V. (2014). The long-term experiences of surrogates: Relationships and contact with surrogacy families. Reproductive BioMedicine Online, 29(4), 424–435.
Jadva, V., Imrie, S., & Golombok, S. (2021). Surrogacy families 10 years on. Human Reproduction, 36(7), 2036–2044.
Söderström-Anttila, V., Wennerholm, U. B., Loft, A., Pinborg, A., Aittomäki, K., & Romundstad, L. B. (2018). Surrogacy: Outcomes for surrogate mothers, children, and families. Human Reproduction Update, 22(2), 260–276.
Teman, E. (2010). Birthing a Mother: The Surrogate Body and the Pregnant Self. University of California Press.
van den Akker, O. B. A. (2017). Psychosocial aspects of surrogate motherhood. Human Reproduction Update, 23(5), 595–602.
About Sarah-Jayne Duryea
Sarah-Jayne Duryea is the Founder and Principal Psychologist of Happy Minds Psychology in Geelong. With over 25 years of experience, she specialises in trauma, reproductive and perinatal psychology, surrogacy counselling, and emotional wellbeing.
Sarah-Jayne provides independent surrogacy counselling across Australia and internationally, offering compassionate, evidence-based care that supports both surrogates and intended parents. She is known for her trauma-informed, values-driven approach — combining scientific understanding with empathy, warmth, and lived insight.
Her expertise includes:
- Independent implications counselling for surrogacy and donor conception.
- EMDR and Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy for trauma recovery.
- Leadership and resilience coaching for healthcare and first-responder professionals.
Sarah-Jayne is a passionate advocate for ethical, emotionally safe surrogacy practices and the mental health of all participants in assisted reproduction.
