By Sarah-Jayne Duryea, Principal Psychologist | Happy Minds Psychology
Surrogacy is, at its core, an act of profound generosity. It is built on trust, autonomy, and shared intention — not transaction.
But in clinical work with surrogacy teams, I’ve noticed a recurring theme that can quietly erode even the most well-intentioned relationships: entitlement.
Entitlement in surrogacy doesn’t usually present as overt or unkind. It can be subtle, even invisible — a creeping sense of deservedness or control, often driven by vulnerability and longing. For many intended parents who have fought hard for recognition and access to family-building options, the dream of parenthood has been long deferred. That history can create a powerful emotional charge around the belief that “I’ve worked so hard for this — I deserve it.”
The difficulty is that deserving and entitlement can begin to blur.
What Do We Mean by “Entitlement” in Surrogacy?
In psychology, entitlement describes a belief that one deserves special treatment or priority that overrides another’s autonomy.
Within surrogacy, entitlement can manifest in several forms:
- Expecting to attend every scan or appointment without consultation.
- Assuming decisions about medical management, diet, or birth preferences.
- Becoming frustrated when the surrogate prioritises her own comfort or privacy.
- Framing the pregnancy as something “we’re doing together” instead of recognising it as her embodied experience.
And, more subtly but equally importantly:
Believing that one is inherently entitled to become a parent.
This belief — that parenthood is a right rather than a privilege or responsibility — can emerge as an extension of generalised social entitlement. It’s seen across many contexts: in assumptions of access to healthcare, fertility technology, or female reproductive labour.
In the surrogacy space, this belief can quietly distort the relational balance. It risks turning the surrogate’s contribution into a means to an end, rather than a human partnership requiring mutual respect and care.
The Psychology Behind Entitlement
Entitlement rarely stems from arrogance — it stems from pain and power.
For many Intended Parents the pathway to parenthood is long, costly, and emotionally charged. They have often faced systemic barriers, discrimination, and invisibility in traditional reproductive systems. The moment surrogacy becomes possible, it can feel like long-overdue justice.
Yet the psychological shift from yearning to entitlement can happen quickly and unconsciously. When vulnerability meets power (particularly financial power), anxiety can transform into control.
As Teman (2010) describes, surrogacy involves a “constant negotiation between gratitude and control.” Recognising that dynamic — and naming entitlement for what it is — helps intended parents maintain empathy, humility, and ethical clarity throughout the process.
Autonomy Is the Antidote
Respecting bodily autonomy isn’t just an ethical principle — it’s an emotional anchor.
A surrogate’s autonomy means she:
- Chooses her own healthcare providers.
- Gives informed consent for all scans, tests, or procedures.
- Determines her own boundaries around communication, rest, and recovery.
- Retains full agency over her birth experience.
Even when legal contracts are in place, consent must remain live, ongoing, and revocable.
As the Australian Psychological Society (2020) reminds us, consent is valid only when it is free from pressure, guilt, or perceived obligation.
Supporting autonomy protects against entitlement by re-centering respect where it belongs — with the person carrying the pregnancy.
Recognising When Entitlement Is Emerging
Clinicians can help intended parents identify early signs that hope is tipping into entitlement:
- Using language like “our body” or “our pregnancy.”
- Expressing resentment when boundaries are enforced.
- Viewing the surrogate’s choices as obstacles rather than expressions of agency.
- Equating financial cost with moral authority.
- Assuming parenthood is a guaranteed outcome or right.
When these narratives appear, the goal isn’t to shame — it’s to explore the fear beneath them. Fear of uncertainty. Fear of loss. Fear of being left behind by biology or circumstance.
When intended parents can name their fear, they can reclaim empathy.
Shifting from Entitlement to Empathy
Some practical tools for clinicians and intended parents:
- Language Audit: Replace “our pregnancy” with “her pregnancy,” “our journey” with “the journey we are sharing.”
- Reflective Practice: Ask, “Where does my sense of deserving come from — pain, privilege, or persistence?”
- Therapeutic Support: Ongoing counselling normalises the emotional turbulence of surrogacy and builds relational resilience.
- Boundary Gratitude: When your surrogate sets a boundary, thank her. It means she feels safe enough to be honest.
- Reframe Parenthood: See parenthood not as a right earned, but as a privilege entrusted through another’s generosity.
These shifts transform entitlement into humility — and humility into compassion.
Why This Matters
Entitlement doesn’t only harm surrogates — it harms everyone. It undermines trust, fosters guilt, and can leave intended parents carrying unresolved shame long after their baby is born.
When intended parents replace entitlement with empathy, they model the very kind of parenthood they hope to offer: attuned, respectful, and emotionally intelligent.
Surrogacy works best when everyone feels safe, seen, and autonomous. It thrives when gratitude is greater than ownership.
The Clinical Lens
From a psychological and ethical perspective, surrogacy counselling must explicitly address entitlement — both the interpersonal and existential forms.
Pre-surrogacy counselling should include:
- Exploration of control, privilege, and vulnerability.
- Education on bodily autonomy and informed consent.
- Emotional preparation for uncertainty and power imbalance.
- Reflection on the difference between deserving parenthood and being entrusted with parenthood.
As Golombok (2020) notes, modern families are defined not by structure but by emotional attunement. Ethical surrogacy requires that same attunement — a willingness to listen, learn, and let go of control when it matters most.
Moving Toward Ethical, Compassionate Surrogacy
For intended parents, surrogacy represents courage, hope, and equality. But equality in family creation should never come at the cost of another person’s autonomy.
Entitlement — whether to someone’s body, time, or the very concept of parenthood — has no place in ethical surrogacy.
The most meaningful journeys are not those driven by control, but by connection.
References
- Australian Psychological Society. (2020). Code of Ethics and Ethical Guidelines for Psychologists in Reproductive Health and Assisted Reproduction. APS.
- Golombok, S. (2020). Modern Families: Parents and Children in New Family Forms. Cambridge University Press.
- Imrie, S., & Jadva, V. (2014). The long-term experiences of surrogates: Relationships and contact with surrogacy families in genetic and gestational surrogacy arrangements. Reproductive BioMedicine Online, 29(4), 424–435.
- Jadva, V., Imrie, S., & Golombok, S. (2021). Surrogacy families 10 years on: Relationships with the surrogate, decisions over disclosure, and children’s understanding of their surrogacy origins. Human Reproduction, 36(7), 2036–2044.
- Söderström-Anttila, V., et al. (2018). Surrogacy: Outcomes for surrogate mothers, children, and the resulting families — a systematic review. Human Reproduction Update, 22(2), 260–276.
- Teman, E. (2010). Birthing a Mother: The Surrogate Body and the Pregnant Self. University of California Press.
- van den Akker, O. B. A. (2017). Psychosocial aspects of surrogate motherhood. Human Reproduction Update, 23(5), 595–602.
Author Bio
Sarah-Jayne Duryea is the Founder and Principal Psychologist at Happy Minds Psychology, based in Geelong, Australia.
She specialises in trauma therapy, perinatal psychology, and reproductive counselling, with a strong focus on ethical, independent surrogacy practice and psychological safety for all parties.
